THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING DUMPED (and why you’re never better off being the one to end it)

Reader, he dumped me must surely be four of the happiest of words in the English language.

Stay with me.

For there is a stringent mathematical reasoning to what I’m about to say.

Having spent the last few years working on a novel all about the comedy (yes, comedy!) of break-ups, I’ve become something of a connoisseur on the matter. And I can honestly confirm that contrary to received opinion, being dumped is far, far greater thing than being the dumper. So if you’re currently mourning a break-up that wasn’t your decision, and you’re about to embark on Valentines’-Day on your tod, then here’s something that might make you feel better.

Of course, it’s no picnic, being the dumpee. Someone’s just glibly ripped your heart through your bottom, and you didn’t see it coming.

But then, as time goes on, there’s something infinitely worse about being the dumper. When the grief really sets in, then boy are you in trouble. Because you have yourself to blame for the pain, on top of the pain. You’ll be like, I wish to god I could blame him for the way that I feel, but I can’t because – I inflicted this pain on myself! I’m such a dickhead!’

When you break up with someone that you still love dearly but you know it’s just not right, or you’ve suddenly realised you’re about as compatible as Gregorian chant and deep house, then…well, that’s the hardest kind of breakup ever. (Of course, if at the time of dumping, you feel no love for your ex, only hatred and utter disdain – then, you’re going to be just fine and you need not read on.)

So at the risk of going a bit Carol Vorderman on your asses, I’ve decided that what the world needs is a mathematical formula for break-ups.

Now, I’m no maths bod (as a youth I used to weep over my maths homework), but I did get forced to do a module of logic in my second year of Philosophy at university. Which consisted of breaking arguments down into their simplest forms and working things out with them. So, here is my theory of breakups presented as a Logic problem. (Eat your heart out, Prof Kripke…)

If P is pain, X is your X, and D is you, the dumper, and L is how much you love the person, then the formula for how depressed you feel (S) is as follows.*

S = (P÷ L) x D (to the power of L)

Whereas, if you’re simply dumped the formula is much simpler. It’s simply

s = P ÷ L

So, the good news is, in the long run, the value of S is always going to be lower when you were dumped. Hurrah!

Plus the fact: If you have been dumped, you won’t have yourself to blame when the inevitable game-show parade of ‘HERE’S WHAT YOU COULD HAVE WON’ starts up and they start to digitally maraud that they’ve whisked their new girlfriend away for the weekend and so on. When the ex suddenly gets their shit together and become someone else’s model boyfriend, it’s a little like when you’ve been trying to get a jar of marmalade open and one lucky bugger goes last and just gets it open. You want to shout ‘I loosened it up for them, really!’ but of course you don’t, because you’re not (that) mental.

That said, seeing your ex doing really well in Life After You is a fantastic thing because it actually means you did the right thing in ending it! Yes! Seeing the ex-love-of-your-life shine without you just goes to show you didn’t bring out the best in each other the way someone else could. Someone might be a commitment phobe with one person, and Romeo-on-heat with another. Here comes another watertight mathematical proof: every relationship we have is just a dress rehearsal, shaping you up for the right one. A training course. The only trouble is, we’ve no idea how long it’s for – or when you’ll eventually graduate with honours.

Wringing the last drop out of the mathsy theme here, my friend Rick has a theory about relationships, that they can all be classified according to different ‘sentences.’ And as you go on, many of them fall by the wayside after three months. But others, they might blossom into being either a six-monther, one year, two years, five years… or… life. Sometimes you may have a two year-er that’s ‘gone long’ or ‘gone wrong,’, but very rarely do relationships end at a different stage.

All relationships – friendly and romantic ones – are there for either a reason, a season or a lifetime. So next time you break up with someone, whether you’re the dumper or dumpee (if you’re very lucky) realise that really, all that’s happening is that you’ve lived out your sentence. You weren’t ‘lifers’.
** It feels pressing to point out now that my Logic module was over 15 years ago, and I can’t be held responsible if this is all in fact tosh.

Enjoyed this?
Read some more break-up wisdom in Break-Up Club the novel – http://www.breakupclub.co.uk/<img

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Follow me on Twitter @loreleimathias

 

(Thanks Pure Evil for the street Art)

Plenty More Fish Fingers in the Sea: Introducing the Break-Up Diet

‘So what’s your secret?’ Harry asked in his best mock-Gok.

Bella smiled. ‘I’m calling it the Break-up Diet. All the slebs are doing it. Last month was the Five-Two – this month it’s the Misery Plan.’

Food plays an important role in any conscious uncoupling, doesn’t it? In Break Up Club the characters tend to swing daily between grief-induced starvation and comfort eating. Clearly, food and our emotions are inextricably intertwined. With that in mind, here’s how to get yourself through ‘The Sad Gap’ to the other side, where ‘happy’ you is waiting!

Phase One – ‘The Break Up Diet’ (weeks 1-2)

OK, you’re broken. You can’t eat because there is a big glacial rock where your intestines should be. So instead you begin a nutrition plan more ferocious than the 5-2 and the Montignac put together.

‘I’m serious. No food has passed my lips in days. Unless you count my own mucous, from crying so much,’ Bella said. ‘Does nasal mucous have any nutritional value?’

Sorry, that was gross – I promise the rest of this blog will be mouth-watering!
To this end, here is your shopping list for Phase One:

– Negroni – this cocktail is your friend because it has NO MIXERS. You heard me – it’s straight up oblivion. You’ll need 1x bottle of Campari, Martini Rosso and Gin of your choice.
– Prosecco, lots of.

For the mornings:

– Diet Coke (or Fat)
– To keep your stomach lining from eating itself, and for nausea prevention:

– Actimel pro-biotic drinks,
– Yoghurt
– ginger biscuits
– Mini cheddars
– bananas
– Soups
– Smoothies

Essentially, you’re regressing to the diet of a toddler, and that’s totes fine. For now.

Phase Two – Carb-loading (weeks 2-4)
The great news is that the big glacier in your belly will eventually melt, as you start to come to terms with your ‘new normal’. By now, the Food-Gates are ajar enough to squeeze some ACTUAL SOLIDS in. And here’s where you can reward yourself with the fattiest, cosiest food imaginable. Why? Because you’ve got a WHOLE TWO WEEKS worth of Calorie Credits!

Go nuts on:

-Cheese, all of the cheese
-Pasta
-Chocolate
-Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie
-Mars ice cream
-More Cheese – Take That if necessary
-Butterkist Microwave Popcorn (butter)
-Macaroni cheese
-Garlic bread
-Treat yourself to a Camembert roaster. Drizzle with rosemary and garlic. Dip all manner of kettle chips into it.
-Cheesecake

Phase Three – Fill the nutrition deficit (week 4…)

It’s time to start showing some love to your poor body, and reacquainting your cells with their old friend, nutrition. Start exercising lots and feeding your body with the good stuff. Then you’ll realise you’re actually self-sufficient and don’t need another human to make you whole! From green peas to fresh fish, the aisles are stuffed with plenty of natural highs and ‘Good mood foods’ to get you happy again in a non-bingey, boozy way.

With that in mind, here’s a suggested meal-plan. **Dons Jarvis Cocker dulcet tones**:

Breakfast: Grapefruit halves, topped with caramelised Demerara sugar. Grill until golden brown. Perfectly bittersweet; just like the end of love.

Lunch – A spinach, rocket, beetroot, avocado salad, with omega seeds, olive oil, balsamic, and Fish Fingers. This’ll give you a nice boost of brain food, so that your head can tell your heart: you are indeed better off without that douchebag!

Dinner – Salmon and leek in a garlic, pesto, white wine and sour cream sauce (tweet me for my recipe) (@loreleimathias), with Arborio rice.

It’s honestly delicious, healthy and guaranteed to cheer you up. Not only that, ‘All the food groups and ingredients are represented’ – as they say in The Breakfast Club. Even self-love; which we all know is the most important ingredient.

(originally published at http://www.danielriding.com/2016/10/author-guest-post-plenty-more-fish.html?platform=hootsuite)

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